Pure-fection

ogod...i know my hormones probably have a LOT to do with this but im feeling so disgustingly gross right now! i feel fat and im breaking out and im probably not just feeling fat, i AM! i have the thickest thighs ever and everytime i go out walking, im self conscious of them....!! i know most ppl would think im crazy for saying that but its true to me! I hate that i dont know how to lean them out and i hate that this feeling always comes either before my period or when im stressed out, like right after a long round of midterms.. blah..im rambling but this is kinda helping.  Only I read my bullshit anyways..  i wish there was a machine that could tell me exactly how many calories there are in everything i eat and make.. like sometimes, u think ure having certain amount when in fact you dont cuz you're not sure of the serving size... hmm i had been thinking of starting one of those food delivery services like nutrisystem for a while, but i never went along with it bc it was expensive and because i thought i could manage my own eating habits myself.. i still think i can but my freaking moods and hormones almost always get the best of me.  I swear everything in life is psychological..i just have to remain positive and proactive about my goals... i know i can be fit and thin again like i was a small while ago.. i gain fast but i lose fast too when i put my mind to it.  So it starts now. no more whining!!

I thought my days of using food to deal with my emotions were numbered, but based on my eating habits this past week, I can most definitely say it isn't the case. I thought it was just another case of PMS, in which my hormones just get out of control, but I feel like theres more to it now. I think subconsciously I am geting stressed out at the idea that I will be undergoing my first pharm school interview on Friday at UCSD. I really havent been preparing much, part of the reason being that I don't really know how, and another part being that I am still dealing with the fright of having to face the idea that in one 45 min session with the interviewers, my life will finally take an important turn. Maybe thats why I have such an interest in psychopharmacology...deep inside, the workings of the mind continue to baffle me...its like having to deal with a multipersonality disordered person, only that person is yourself--your rational self trying to sort it all out. Exercise has definitely helped me deal with the stresses in my life. I've been pretty consistent in keeping up with it--going pretty much every day after work for about an hour and a half. I felt energized, clear-headed, confident and accomplished with every workout. Sometimes I just don't understand why my rationale just disappears and I lose track. I get sidetracked by little things, little things which sometimes make me feel like a failure, like a wreck. But I think the overwhelming factor HAS to be my insatiable need to be perfect, or at least to be satisfied with my own standards (to me, they are one and the same). I think my goal this week and beyond, will be to cut myself some slack and to interest myself in some substantiating things than weight loss or appearance. I really think that's what I need. I need to feel complete in other ways, but focusing all this energy on something that is simply a lil too superficial. But oh, how lovely would it be to finally love my body again. I think that's what is so frustrating, that I am in pursuit of a goal that continues to elude me because of my OWN actions. my OWN doings are making me fail and i CANNOT continue to let that happen. Tomorrow is a new day and I will dust myself up and try again. More power to me!!!

( Anyone in here feel extra fat? )

My first time posting.. i wonder if its working..

OMFG, i am soo freaking fat and ugly and im breaking out with fucking acne. wat the hell is the matter with me? im 21 years old, sholdnt i be over these damned things?! I really think something is up with my hormones bc every damn month, its the same damn thing. I go thru these ups and downs its driving me insane!! Every couple weeks before i get my period, i start getting moody, pimply, i get cravings and increased appetite and i eat like a mofo. Then the cycle begins. I start feeling fat and now here i am, sittin my fat ass on the couch, watching tv in my underwear... looking up at the screen at watever commercial that is weight-related.. im fuckin obsessed and its no wonder.. bc everytime, its like the inevitable hormonal monster is out to get me and theres no escape!~! I started birth control, the patch to be exact, in order to balance my hormones. I was afraid of the weight gain side effect like every other girl out there, but I figured i gain weight every month anyway so might as well.. it might not be so bad. Ive only been on it for 3 days so no results yet. Ideally, it would make my skin completely clear and make me lose weight haha, hows that for a multi-billion dollar medication patent?? god knows id buy it. Anyways.. yes i just needed to vent and now i feel a little relief, knowing i have vented in secret about my secret obsession that i could never share.. its like weight is taboo around friends cuz you dont wanna seem vain and u dont wanna look like u have an inferiority complex. Not only would some take it as low slef-esteem, others might even take advantage of it to make you feel bad. I guess thats why i started this account to begin with. That and bc i loved silently watching weight loss communities. As obsessed as i am, i can safely admit i do NOT have an eating disorder. Im too aware of the consequences to mess with that, even though i had a brush with bulimia in the past. I really DO think that once i stop obsessing so much about weight and just start focusing on eating healthy and exercising, weight will melt off like hot BUTTER =P. i should give it a shot. Maybe this really is just a mental freaking problem. I need to fix my head before i can fix my body. Tomorrow, im gonna start a low carb diet, seeing as how i eat WAY too much bread, chips and other carbs. I hate the full feeling u get after having eaten a lot, but i also hate feeling hungry from not having had enough of what you really wanted.. I need to find a balance and i'll find balance in my life. Maybe this is just a life lesson waiting to be learned. Thanks for being there, deal journal.

So this weekend my brother came to visit me..and it ended up being the weekend i ate an entire large pizza and then some all by myself. Okai so it was for the span for a day and a half but still, that pizza was HUGE. For some reason, it takes very little for me to noticeably gain weight and, me being obsessed and all, I analyzed the mirror every time after i ate a slice and bam, i ballooned to like ~125 lbs just like that! I was 115 or so just a few days before. But its okai..im trying hard to just be healthy again. I just need to remember how good it feels to be thin and healthy but sometimes it is so hard when you're all alone at home WAITING to lose weight until you feel like you like okai enough to go outside for a walk. Pathetic huh? I wanna go to the gym to burn off some calories but i just dont go cuz i feel like i look too fat. Wow..talk about counterproductive reasoning huh? I guess it just runs in my blood.

Apart from that, ive had a really rough time dealing with other things. They've made me realize how much I've taken my good health for granted..and now that i fear its been taken away from me, I simply wish to have it back. I just want to be healthy now.

okai, i have been quiet and silently watching the community mostly because I feel like I am already communicating just by reading.. But now and as stupid as it sounds, im writing to whine.

How can i have gained like 20 pounds since last summer? When i was in spain and all the girls were thinspiration walking in every corner street, right IN YOUR FACE thinspiration, i got all thin and fit. Then back to the US and wam-o im right back to the fat ass i realized i was starting senior year of high school. No wonder brazilian girls are so thin and good looking. I really don't think its all genetics. I think we just like to think that to make ourselves feel better. They're thin cuz everyone in the damn country is, so its abnormal NOT to have flat abs and toned legs and arms. I am so sick of this yo yo effect...i really think its all psychological. This is so gonna sound weird but at times, i think (when i have cravings), "just go ahead and have it cuz, even if you gain weight and you will, it'll just give you more motivation to lose weight again." I've never heard anything as counterproductive and ridiculous as that, but yet ive managed to convince my Self to believe it. And i call it the Self cuz i'm really starting to believe there are two parts to us all: the Self (the physical body) and the mind (the brain and our emotions, sometimes our best friend and usually our worst enemy).

So you know what the key is? To reconcile the two and make them work together in harmony. How you say? Motivating yourself to get off your keester and work out is one way (brain says "work out" and body does it and feels good and says "ahh im sizzlin'); rewarding your Self with nonfood gifts such as clothing or shoes also works (brain says "after one week, u get to buy new low rise, show off my hipbones jeans" and Self replies "damn I'm looking good") Get the gist?

And so there you have it. i KNOW all of this, so why don't you and I do it together. Let's get pretty, cuz i know it feels good and nothing feels as good as knowing you're a hot mama. Yes, right now I am back to looking online for ways of losing weight fast and effectively since school is starting in two weeks and i dont wanna look like a fat cow. And even though i already know exactly what to do to lose weight, weight loss continues to be (as it has always been for 3 years) my #1 obsession. BUT to end on a bright note, i know i can do it. I know You can too. To a new You.. and Me.

I guess i should take it as a compliment.. But seriously, my friends are starting to order the exact same things I order every time we go out to eat. Doest that happen to you guys? It's like an unspoken subject or something.. but they do it like it's some kind of secret haha its almost funny. Watever..blah. Summer rocks.

Did any of you guys watch today's Oprah, with Sharon Stone? She said that after her head trauma, she started taking medicine thats made her thin ever since. What the hell is it? She wouldnt say... dammit!

So i know y'all probably know this...but whenever i come home to read lj (its a daily ritual now), i read some much of "oh no, i binged today, oh no i ate this, im so fat" and i totally understand that cuz i mean i am like that sometimes too..but heres something to keep in mind about the human psyche: when you tell yourself that you cannot have something, you become obsessed with it and then you start spiraling down this cycle of never ending mental torment about that thing you deprived urself of, namely FOOD. In other words, not eating or letting urself starved is counterproductive to your weight loss! I mean, we all knew that starving doesnt work biologically in the long run, but now you have psychological backing for that conclusion, as well. I think the bottom line is one we've always heard but are just too impatient to heed: eat healthy, be active, be happy.

omg, i am so proud of myself.. i was just ABOUT to order pizza..a medium, fat-filled, cheese-loaded, trans fatty dripping pizza all to myself (and thats AFTER having eaten a whole subway meal, an almond croissant and a bowl of white rice with soy sauce)..BUT! i chose to go work out instead!! i dont know what came over me, i guess my guardian angel haha. okai so im not that proud of myself especially since i felt like i had somewhat binged today..but i guess its better than having had that pizza as well, right?? ;) I used to have so much willpower and motivation in the past..where has it all gone?? I dont know..i need something to look forward to. Thinspiration doesnt seem to do it anymore. I just look at it and just think "wow shes pretty" but thats about it... Im taking suggestions!! On the bright side, the last week of instruction is coming up...then finals..*cries* ...then summer *dreamy sigh* :)

Hullo,
So i havent been very productive today and, as for my diet, its not all that healthy.. i had a veggie burrito for lunch and eggs and white rice for dinner.. it doesnt sound like much but i feel like a cow. You see, the majority of the time, i eat healthy stuff but what sets me back are the friggin portions.. i tend to just eat too much. And i think part of it has to do with my brain telling me that, well since you're eating healthy, you're cool. NOT. I never know if i am really on a diet because I always make sure i eat exactly what i want (the healthy alternatives of course) or else i will end up binging a week later and then where would we be? In any case, i realized that the only motivation that keeps me on track is working out, something which i've been slacking on for the past several weeks. I ran for 30 min straight on tues for the first time after a long time and it was unbelievable how good and energetic i felt afterwards. I felt so sexy and thin after just one workout..haha but i really wasnt. I would do it every day if i could just get my ass to the gym in the first place. Im so damn lazy.

I think i would have an easier time dealing with weight loss if i didnt get so tired all the time. I think i have low tension so that might have to do with it. Do you girls ever get sleepy all throughout the day? and wat do u do ? ..hmm maybe i should take vitamins again.

Dear diary,
Long time no updating on my progress, which is completely ironic when you consider the fact that i think about what to eat every minute of the day. But you know, i mean, we all gotta face it. Food is gonna be everywhere, some healthy, some not... some boring, some not and of course, eating one over the other will probably determine our moods for the rest of the day, let alone the rest of our lives. But you don't have to deprive urself of anything, if you can just have the willpower to have it in moderation (which is something i lack cuz obviously, im writing here =P). In any case, i think the best solution to all of our problems, girls, is this: eat small meals every 2-3 hours. It works, no doubt about it. The only trick is to eat sensibly and relatively healthfully and, of course, let ur stomach rest for the intervals of time. The reason why it works is cuz by eating frequently throughout the day, you're giving your body small amounts of energy, so its never running on empty and thus you never feel tired or lethargic enough to say "screw it" and gorge on bags of chips. I've fallen off the wagon a few times, even though i knew this fact to be true. But im crazy like that.. once i think ive broken my diet, i screw it all together and its so stupid but im really trying to stop. I really want everyone to read this article. Its a question to which we're all dying to know the answer: What do models do to look the way they do (the healthy way!)? It helps to read it every time u need a picker upper and some motivation. Tell me what you think!


Here it is:

http://www.jillianann.com/amodelsdiet.html

For the longest time, i have been obsessed. Obsessed about my looks, my body, my weight, my life. I dont know why it has been so hard for me to accept it, but writing the opening chapters of this period in my life is forcing to face it, or at least try to ackowledge it. I don't know if it is because I have been intrigued by the many pro ED websites I had been occasionally surfing since my sophomore year in college, or maybe it is because I am still in the pursuit of perfection in every facet of my life. Probably both. Whatever the case, I can't help but think about food, body, perfection every damn second of my life. I am definitely, and now consciously, obsessed. These thoughts keep invading my head, "what am i gonna eat, do i have to eat, what CAN i eat, am I really hungry, i shouldnt be..." and its the same thing every day, every hour, every second. And the worst is that, once i tell myself that tomorrow is going to be a new day, that tomorrow will be a fresh start in my long journey to achieve perfection, control, power, beauty, thinness... the more obsessed I become. The more obsessed I become, the more I eat; the more i eat, the worse I feel and the worse I feel, the more I eat... its a never ending cycle that has gotten me slowly spiraling down a path I refuse to take--the path of acquiring a psychological illness, or even an ED. So i am starting this journal, hoping that it will help me cope with my current situation--but at least i know that i am not alone. A million girls (and guys) out there are suffering just the same, probably even more over much graver things. I wish i could lend out a helping hand, to comfort them that I understand....that I am willing to team up for the healing process, a process that will FINALLY let me enjoy my youth while I am still in it. Go away obsession, I want to be happy.